So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
