I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
