Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
