totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
