Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
