Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
