You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize