everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
