All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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