So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize