I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
