I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
