Your tits are I can't wait for
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
