i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
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