this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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