The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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