no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Randomize
