OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
