so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
