hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
zippers are such a cool invention
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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