how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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