My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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