Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
