Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
