sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Randomize
