Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
