He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
