I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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