i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
