at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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