I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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