u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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