She's JV to your varsity
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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