Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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