The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
