idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
