my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
