I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
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