I can text with my tongue
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
