is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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