and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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