My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
