my shit smells like andre
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Randomize
