Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
