Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize