Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
