yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
