I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
