Someone shit on the floor
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
