He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
