Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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