My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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