WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
