I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
