That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
