I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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