My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
