Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
