Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
