I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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