Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
