I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize