Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
