Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
