you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
