We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
