If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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