There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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